This is real life.

Okay. So I know it’s been months since I posted my last blog. I’m so bad about it. My only reasoning is I feel like I need to wait and blog until I feel like I have something meaningful to say to the world. So I’ve been waiting until something profound hit me. But it never did.

I recently moved into a house that was purchased by the church for extra classroom space, meetings, etc. I am very excited to have a place to call my own (for the most part). In the process of moving, I came across one my journals. I began reading some of my entries. Man, I was going through a rough time when I began that journal. Ugh!

Since I still don’t have anything that I feel is worth sharing, I will share something I wrote that was taped in the journal. I wrote this in the summer of 2006, and I can still completely relate with it in 2010. Wow!

Here it is:

“I long to enter into that secret place where Christ’s bride feels comforted, protected, confident, bold. But I am stuck outside, only looking...only, I can’t see anything but a smudged mirror that is reflecting my heart.

It is ugly.

I am constantly in spiritual surgery getting heart transplants several times a year. I destroy His heart inside of me. Just like eating junk food, my sin is clogging up the arteries through which His blood is trying to pump through. It gets blacker and blacker, weaker and weaker until the life is choked out of me. Then I ask the Doctor to fix me up. I get a new heart again, start exercising again (reading my Bible, praying, worshipping...you know, all the Christian stuff), skip a day, then two, three...and it’s all down hill from there. My heart that was once beating rhythmically the way God created it to, is now beating slower and slower.

I think I’ve been here before.

Good thing God has plenty of hearts to give away (that’s His way of showing forgiveness), but my spiritual health is failing. It’s time for “IT.” The real deal. This heart transplant will be my last. It has to be. NOT because I hate the surgery, but because I’m going to finally let Christ’s heart heal me. I’m finally ready to get ride of the bitterness and selfish desires that caused my heart disease in the first place. My Doctor longs to see positive results from the surgery, but it’s up to me, His patient, to take all the necessary steps to a healthier life.

But I’ve failed too many times. Can I possibly get it right this time around? How do I keep my heart really healthy?”