This is real life.

I have started reading a devotional book titled “Peeking into a Box of Chocolates” by Karen Lee-Thorp. It’s about temptation that women (as well as men) face today. This world is extremely tempting at times. We are constantly faced with opportunities to envy, lust, and covet. It doesn’t matter what is tempting you—the minute you act on that temptation, you have sinned. The first temptation that this book covers is accumulating stuff. When I read that, I automatically responded, “Well, that’s not me. I’m not tempted with that.” (Sometimes I can be so self righteous!!!) Some of you may respond the same way. But as I continued reading, I was immediately convicted. Here is what I read:

“How often are the following statements true of you? Rate yourself on a scale of 0 (never) to 5 (constantly).

• I shop to lift my mood.


• I envy someone else for something she [or he] possesses.


• I feel inferior because I lack some consumer good (the right clothes, hairstyle, home decorating feature, and so on.)


• I feel superior because I possess some consumer good.


• I need to spend money (on cable TV, movies, eating out, and so on) in order to be entertained or enjoy my leisure time.


• I have trouble letting go of stuff that won’t fit in my home or closet; I use my garage or storage unit to handle the excess.


• I spend enormous amounts of time thinking about buying.


• I believe I would be happier if my household income was more than it is now.”

“I really have no reason for continuing as good friends...Please don’t be offended. As life changes, so do the status of relationships.”

A person I once considered as a close friend texted this to me last week. I will explain.

I know that I haven’t always been the perfect friend. Over the past 5 years, I have known amazing friendships. I don’t think I knew what it meant to be a friend until I left for college. I was blessed with amazing friends like Kayla, Lisa, Whitney, Jonna, and Desire (just to name a FEW). I never knew that you could have such close friendships--and with people who lead you closer to Christ--challenging me in my walk with Him and pretty much every other area in my life (whether I wanted it or not). I had never been as honest before, with anyone. I was truly blessed when God brought them into my life.

But there was a friendship that existed that I thought also belonged in that group. I was wrong--very wrong. After investing in this friendship for several years, it pretty much ended overnight. I was so confused. I tried staying in contact with this person, but soon all contact faded to nothingness. After a year of trying to figure out what happened, I finally got an explanation: “as life changes, so do the status of relationships.” Wow. That hurt.

I do understand that relationships change, but this was a little different. This wasn’t even something that was a gradual change. It was all of a sudden--almost as if it was premeditated that the friendship was going to end. This person told me they had no reason for continuing being good friends with me. I felt used. At that moment I realized that I had invested my time and energy in a friendship that was no longer existent. What I had truly invested in was a fair weather, one-sided relationship full of selfishness--someone who wanted friendship on their own terms, on their own time. I wished I would have known that was going to happen. I was really hurt--beyond words.

Sometimes I think we need to be reminded of what true friendship is. I needed to be reminded as well. After really being hurt by someone who claimed to be my friend, I now understand what a friend is.

My dad gave me this scripture to look up this morning: Proverbs 17:17. It says: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” I know we have all heard this scripture read a thousand times, but do we truly understand what it is saying? Let’s break it down a bit.

A friend loves at ALL times. Not just when things are going well. Not when you are looking your best. Not when you are making a lot of money. Not when you are in the best mood. A friend loves you at all times--when you are down and when you are up, regardless of time and distance.

Check your friendships. Do they match up with this scripture? Are you a Proverbs 17:17 friend? If not, ask God to show you how to be one. I’m asking Him too!

Have you ever had a day (or series of days) where you just felt like God was not pleased with you? I certainly have. And if there ever was a time in my life when I feel like it’s happened, it would have been this past week. So many things went wrong--situations to test my character--and I failed miserably. In thoughts. Words. Actions. Ugh...I responded purely ungodly.

Stupid Devil. He made me do it!!!

I wish I could blame it on the Devil. But the truth is that I have been disobedient. My spirit was defeated by my own flesh. My will rose against the Father’s.

What a week it’s been. I have learned how ugly and nasty I can be. But I have also experienced the Love that comes when I repent. I desire a true repentant heart. I’m tired of saying “I’m sorry, God”, and there’s no change that follows. Repentance leads to a changed character and closer relationship with the Father. I want that so badly!

The Word convicts me. The Word feeds me. The Word changes me. The Word keeps me from sinning. The Word was missing from my life this week because I did not pick it up and feast on it’s life-giving message.

I still desire holiness. Some days it just seems harder to live out more than others, but those are the days when I speak death to my flesh and life to my spirit, putting on the full Armor of God, with the Sword of the Spirit (the Word of God) pointed straight at Satan.

Stupid Devil. He won’t make me do it!!!

I wrote this journal entry on 7.19.07 when God first began dealing with me about the subject of holiness.

“My Thoughts on Holiness”

I’m reading so much about holiness and finally feeling like it’s something I can strive for. It’s amazing how all of God’s Word just fits together so perfectly. Several times in God’s Word it says “Be holy as I am holy” (Example: Leviticus 11:44). Seems a little far fetched, huh? Unreachable? That’s because it is! Listen to this: God “has saved us and called us to live a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace” (2 Timothy 1:8-9). So we definitely can’t be holy without God’s grace.

Holiness is not just some list of rules telling us what we can’t do. It’s rather a lifestyle of how we do live. It’s God’s will for us to live a holy life. (I Thessalonians 4:7). I believe holiness is striving to become like Christ in every aspect of out lives--mentally, physically, spiritually. Holiness is the CHARACTER of God--it’s who He is. And God is perfect, right? We always hear that Jesus is the only perfect person because He never sinned. Yes, we ALL sin, but the Bible also says, “Be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). Ok...so feeling like God puts crazy demands on our lives? Not really! We are called to be like Christ--to live like He lived, and two aspects of Christ’s life are holiness and perfection. Living in a world FULL of sin (including our own), this seems impossible. But in reading the Word, I find that God has given us everything we need to order to be like Him.

Listen! “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires” (2 Peter 1:3-4). WOW! There it is! We don’t have to live by our evil desires anymore because God has provided a way out--an escape--HIS DIVINE POWER! We can be God’s holy people, His bride, as long as we focus on the fact that it’s only by His grace and power that we can do so. Holiness doesn’t seem so unattainable anymore--we now realize it’s God’s requirement for our lives, and He gives us everything we need in order to LIVE IT OUT!!!

It's 2010.

I made absolutely NO resolutions.

But so much has changed in my life since the new year began. I didn't even ask for it. It just sort of happened-by the grace of God.

Has your relationship with God ever grown stagnant? Have you ever sat back and thought about your old relationship with God--where there was so much passion, commitment, and honesty--and wished it was still like that? What happened?

Well, that was where I was a little less than a month ago. I had never felt so much IN the will of God and OUT of the will of God at the same time. Could that even be possible? For me it was. See, I was in the position of the will of God, but heart was out of it. It's kind of like a married couple who share the same last name and live in the same house (position) but have no passion for each other (heart). This caused such a strain on my relationship with God. What a broken relationship it became. My passion for Him slowly died out. The Word became more of an accessory in my life than a standard by which I lived by.

But something happened in 2010. I'm still not really sure what it was, other than a collision with His grace. I was tired of the dry spell, but I wasn't doing anything about it. God just started shaking me up unexpectedly.

Holiness had always been a big thing for me, but I slowly began losing sight of it. But now my desire for holiness is stronger than ever before. God has been convicting me left and right about everything I do--what I watch, what I listen to, what I say, what I think, and who I spend time with (or Facebook). THIS IS NOT CONDEMNATION OR LEGALISM!!! If you've never experienced it before, it's called holiness--living a life set apart from the world. In all honestly, it's more liberating than anything else!

I'm tired of being around Christians who are more influenced by the world than the world is influenced by them (this includes myself). I do not agree that you have to act like the world in order to reach them for Christ. The majority of churches today have forgotten this lifestyle of holiness and is, therefore, no longer preaching it.

I'm NOT sorry if what I say offends anyone. I feel God wants to open the eyes of His bride to a new revelation of who He is--a deeper understanding of the word "Holy." This does not come without repentance.

I want to challenge you to pursue this lifestyle. I can't help but spread this message God has impressed in me. So if I offend you by something I say (or put on Facebook) that God is convicting ME about (like my status on "American Idol"), pray about it, and ask God to show you His standard of Holiness. It will rock your world. I promise.

The Bible tells us in Hebrews 12:14, "...Without holiness no one will see the Lord." If God requires it of us, shouldn't we live it? I want to see God in 2010.

Okay. So I know it’s been months since I posted my last blog. I’m so bad about it. My only reasoning is I feel like I need to wait and blog until I feel like I have something meaningful to say to the world. So I’ve been waiting until something profound hit me. But it never did.

I recently moved into a house that was purchased by the church for extra classroom space, meetings, etc. I am very excited to have a place to call my own (for the most part). In the process of moving, I came across one my journals. I began reading some of my entries. Man, I was going through a rough time when I began that journal. Ugh!

Since I still don’t have anything that I feel is worth sharing, I will share something I wrote that was taped in the journal. I wrote this in the summer of 2006, and I can still completely relate with it in 2010. Wow!

Here it is:

“I long to enter into that secret place where Christ’s bride feels comforted, protected, confident, bold. But I am stuck outside, only looking...only, I can’t see anything but a smudged mirror that is reflecting my heart.

It is ugly.

I am constantly in spiritual surgery getting heart transplants several times a year. I destroy His heart inside of me. Just like eating junk food, my sin is clogging up the arteries through which His blood is trying to pump through. It gets blacker and blacker, weaker and weaker until the life is choked out of me. Then I ask the Doctor to fix me up. I get a new heart again, start exercising again (reading my Bible, praying, worshipping...you know, all the Christian stuff), skip a day, then two, three...and it’s all down hill from there. My heart that was once beating rhythmically the way God created it to, is now beating slower and slower.

I think I’ve been here before.

Good thing God has plenty of hearts to give away (that’s His way of showing forgiveness), but my spiritual health is failing. It’s time for “IT.” The real deal. This heart transplant will be my last. It has to be. NOT because I hate the surgery, but because I’m going to finally let Christ’s heart heal me. I’m finally ready to get ride of the bitterness and selfish desires that caused my heart disease in the first place. My Doctor longs to see positive results from the surgery, but it’s up to me, His patient, to take all the necessary steps to a healthier life.

But I’ve failed too many times. Can I possibly get it right this time around? How do I keep my heart really healthy?”